For a long time now I’ve been planning to write a post describing my last few days in the US and the emotions I was sure I’d be feeling. This is not the post I planned to write, because my feelings right now are not nearly as straightforward as I imaged in all the months leading up to this.
Honestly, at this point, I thought I’d be more scared.
Last time I took off across the ocean, to live in England, I remember being completely petrified in the days leading up to my departure. Everything was so new, scary and unknown, but in the end it ended up more perfect than I could have imagined. So I was prepared to deal with scared, to counter it with the knowledge that once I was moving everything would fall into place.
But I’m not scared. Instead I have a whole new set of emotions that I wasn’t expecting and can’t quite quantify. It’s a bizarre mix of stress, excitement, sadness and something else I can’t quite put my finger on. I was prepared for simple fear, but this trip is more epic, more open-ended and as such my emotions are that much more complicated.
Stress, is probably my dominant descriptor right now. Everyday I run around half crazy trying to cross everything off my monster to-do list. I know I won’t get everything done, but I am definitely feeling the pressure to get myself in the best possible situation before I leave. It’s really frustrating: I’d pictured myself happy and relaxed with my week off from work, but instead I feel like a character from Sesame Street, the CrankyPants Monster (I just invented him).
I also feel kind of sad, when I think of what I’m leaving behind. I will miss a whole lot while I’m gone: my friends, my family, my cuddly cat. I will miss sleeping in and waking up in my own bed, and I will miss Sunday afternoon Target trips with my mom. I know it’s time for me to move on from DC, but there’s still a natural melancholy to letting go.
I’m not just moping around though. There’s excitement in there too obviously. I’m going to Japan! In like, two days! There is so much awesomeness in store for me, like a shiny present, and I can hardly wait to unwrap it.
Then there’s something else that’s bugging me, some cross of happiness and anxiety and restlessness. Some urgent feeling that makes it almost impossible to sit still even just a few more days. It’s frustrating honestly, because shouldn’t I be super happy right now? I can’t wait to leave just so I can morph back into a normal human being.
This isn’t the cheeriest post I know, and I’m sure in a couple of days I will be in Tokyo nothing but smiles. What I have to keep reminding myself, what really matters, is that I want this. Very badly. This is what I’ve been preparing for and I am ready.
Oh boy am I ready.