Learning to Love Being Alone
Posted on 01. Jun, 2010 by Steph in Destinations, Europe, Philosophy, Stories
(Over the next couple of weeks I’m recounting ways that travel has helped me to learn about myself. For references check out my first article: How Travel makes us Smarter, Wiser and All-Around More Awesome)
Here’s a story I don’t think I’ve ever written about before:
Studying abroad in London was the first time I’d ever been abroad on my own. It wasn’t really that scary; I’d been to London before and it didn’t take me very long to meet lots of awesome new people. With all my new friends I rarely needed to go anywhere by myself. Whether I wanted to get some pizza or visit Amsterdam someone always wanted to tag along.
Late in the semester (it was Thanksgiving weekend, my first one away from home), I took a weekend trip up north to St. Andrew’s University in Scotland. I went up there to visit some friends (alright, alright, it was to see a boy), but things didn’t really work out like I’d hoped. The people I was with were far more interested in exploring the great diversity of pubs than seeing and of the sights. Nobody wanted to check out the castle and cathedral with me, so I got directions and reluctantly set out by myself.
It was a windy November day and the sun was starting to set, so I had the cathedral ruins all to myself. They are really beautiful: St. Andrew’s was once this massive medieval cathedral. All that’s left are ragged bit’s and pieces. The dusky light made the impressive spires and crumbling walls particularly dramatic.
Sitting in that ruined church, watching the sun set over the North Sea, I’d never felt so alone or so exhilarated. It was my first tiny taste of solo travel and a major epiphany- I could be anywhere, by myself, and I would be okay. The boy I was visiting turned out to be completely forgettable, but what started there was an even bigger life-long love affair.
I learned a really important lesson that evening: being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. I think this is something many forget in their rush to fill their lives with people and activity. When you learn to feel comfortable without all the distractions, you discover that being alone can be pretty awesome- it’s about keeping company with yourself.
Over time I’ve learned that I’m actually pretty great company: I always want to do the same things, I laugh at my jokes, and I can be pretty interesting when I take the time to listen to me. That sounds pretty narcissistic, but while I love other people to death, I really need alone time as well to feel whole and energized.
Part of that is my introverted nature (nobody ever believes them when I tell them I’m an introvert but I swear it’s true), but the ability to be alone is an important skill for anybody to have. There’s serious strength in self-reliance and you oppurtunities just multiply when you are comfortable with your self.
Travel taught me the importance of being alone, and now I’m using that knowledge to further my travels. I’m planning this epic RTW trip, by myself, and everyone keeps telling me I’m so brave (by the way, do boys get that reaction too?). I don’t really feel brave though. I feel powerful. I’m doing the things I want most to do, and I’m not waiting around for anybody. If that means watching a few sunsets alone, well it turns out that’s not so bad after all.
Do you know how to be alone?
56 Responses to “Learning to Love Being Alone”
Trackbacks/Pingbacks
- - May 24, 2011
[...] people who travel for leisure will tell you they found the experience to be enjoyable, enlightening, fun…without any regrets. You might not like everywhere you travel [...]
Leave a Reply
-
Is the American Dream Holding You Back? -
Notes from the Homefront: How much is Too Much (Planning)? Plus! My Itinerary -
What is your Biggest Travel Disappointment? -
Haters Gonna Hate -
We’re All Travelers Here
-
Friday Postcard: Electric Sunset -
How Much Does it Cost to Travel? -
Don’t Go to the Zoo When it’s Hot -
Friday Postcard: The Beefeater -
Best of the Blogosphere: January 2012
-
Rose: Oh, wow. I realize this comment is pretty late, bu...
-
Michelle: My "gap year" trip came after University instead o...
-
-
Patrick Hearn: YES. A thousand times yes. That last line hits the...
-
Corey W.
01. Jun, 2010
Yup, boys get that whole “You are so brave!” comment too. I can’t even begin to count how many times i’ve gotten that, as well as the “Aren’t you scared you’ll be [insert random worst case scenario here]?”
Great article. I really couldn’t have put it better myself!
.-= Corey W.´s last blog ..I got a postcard! =-.
Steph
01. Jun, 2010
Glad it’s an equal opportunity misconception!
Mike
01. Jun, 2010
Great post and one I totally agree with. I will also second that boys get that as well. As I plan for my RTW trip, I’ve been told that many times.
Steph
01. Jun, 2010
Thanks, I’m glad it’s universal.
Jess
01. Jun, 2010
I found this to be an incredibly liberating lesson, and one that transfers back from travel to daily life. So often, we shy away from doing things alone because they are “supposed” to be social activities — eating out, seeing a movie, etc. But if we were home, we would happily eat and read, or watch a DVD, without worrying about whether or not we had company. Traveling solo has helped me realize that I shouldn’t to keep myself from doing something I want to do just because I don’t have a companion.
At the same time, though, it also made me realize how much I do need people around, at least some of the time. There’s nothing like three days of the voices in my head to make me overcome my natural shyness and talk to the stranger at the next table.
.-= Jess´s last blog ..Point Your Way to a Chinese Meal =-.
Steph
01. Jun, 2010
It’s true, I’ve only recently started going to the movies alone and it’s so nice! People look at me like I’m crazy when I say that though.
Maryli
01. Jun, 2010
Great post! I had a similar epiphany when I studied abroad in Paris. At first I would do everything with people — movies, restaurants, sightseeing, weekend trips — but by the end of the semester I needed time to myself. I realized I could do all these things by myself, and really learned to enjoy my own company.
I can relate to what Jess said regarding voices in her head, though. Turns out I can overwhelm even myself with too much exposure. Fortunately traveling alone doesn’t mean you can’t meet new people along the way.
Steph
01. Jun, 2010
Yeah traveling alone also forces me to be more outgoing which I think is a good thing as well- to be okay with both situations.
Jeremy B
01. Jun, 2010
I am the same way. I love to travel but I like being alone as well. In a way, I wrote about the same thing in which I talked about how who I am at home is different than my travel life (http://budgettravelintentions.com/2010/05/23/living-dangerously-in-a-safe-world/). However, getting away from things when you travel is great and feeding your introverted nature while traveling is very important.
Steph
01. Jun, 2010
I always feel like the best version of me when traveling versus the lazy slob me most of the time at home.
Dave
01. Jun, 2010
“everyone keeps telling me I’m so brave (by the way, do boys get that reaction too?).”
Yes, but usually from women. The guys are more likely to say it’s “cool” or “awesome” or “great you’re doing what you want.”
.-= Dave´s last blog ..4 Ways Every Traveler Can Make Money From Their Travels =-.
Steph
01. Jun, 2010
I get it a lot from older women who have an envious look in their eyes. From boys it’s said more with a tone of bewilderment. But it looks like I don’t need to get my feminist hackles up this time anyways,
Paul
01. Jun, 2010
Steph, glad you discovered the joys of solo travel. In many ways, I think it’s the best way to travel, especially for longer trips. What I like best is the freedom of doing what you want and the ability to meet so many more people. You also end up learning a whole lot more about yourself from each trip.
I wrote a post about it a while ago here:
http://lifeinasack.wordpress.com/2010/05/16/backpacking-solo/
.-= Paul´s last blog ..I Am Leaving on a Jet Plane… For Free =-.
Steph
01. Jun, 2010
It’s true, I just keep learning more and more…
Washi
01. Jun, 2010
Great post Steph! I travelled with relatives (we’re not close as they live in another city here in South Africa) to Saudi Arabia 6 years ago and once there I was pretty much one my own. I loved it and really discovered there on my own in a foreign country where I could speak a word of Arabic, how strong I really am
.-= Washi´s last blog ..Arriving in Johannesburg =-.
Steph
01. Jun, 2010
Wow, Saudi Arabia seems like a tough place to travel without knowing Arabic, pretty neat!
Candice
01. Jun, 2010
So true, Steph! Those quiet moments of reflection are just as important as the ones shared with others. Not sure how long-term I could go with travelling alone, but I definitely admire you for doing so.
.-= Candice´s last blog ..Sometimes Growing Up in a Bilingual Country Sucks =-.
Lauren
01. Jun, 2010
Love it! Especially the last paragraph.
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Galaxy GeForce GTX 465 1GB Review – NVIDIA lowers Fermi cost of entry =-.
Jennifer
01. Jun, 2010
Wow, I totally love Scotland, and there are so many great places to stay there especially when you’re traveling independently. There’s one hotel that has luxurious townhouses that completely cater to the sole traveler, and if you’re obsessed with food like I am, you’ll totally love the Bistro menu.
Check it out next time your meandering alone, or with someone: http://www.globalbasecamps.com/scotland/glasgow-hotel/one-devonshire-gardens
Happy Traveling!
ehalvey
01. Jun, 2010
I really faced this when I studied in Dublin. My roommates already knew each other, I didn’t know any of the Emory peeps, and I had only just met my now husband’s family. I did a lot by myself, and I found that I really prefer going to museums on my own. I did the Emory activities, hung out with my roomies, and saw the Halvey fam, but I seemed to spend most of my days on my own.
Now, I have a hard time travelling with someone because this was my first real adult trip and it set the tone of how I like to travel.
.-= ehalvey´s last blog ..Burger Up =-.
Steph
02. Jun, 2010
I ended up spending (too much) time with Emory people in the London program- there were a lot of them! But it was the getting out on my own that was much more beneficial long term.
Amanda
02. Jun, 2010
I feel like a lot of travelers can pinpoint the moment they had a similar epiphany. (At least, I know I can!) And I’d hazard a guess that a lot of those realizations come during some sort of study abroad experience. Not only is it that in-between time of life when you’re really starting to discover who you are, but, when you’re abroad, you really do have to learn to trust and depend on yourself. And, in the process, you learn a lot! One of the many reasons I recommend studying abroad and seeing the world. Great post!
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..What in the World? =-.
Steph
02. Jun, 2010
This whole series of posts is almost entirely about things I learned while studying abroad. It really is educational in so many non-classroom ways.
ayngelina
02. Jun, 2010
It’s funny but yesterday I had several people ask if I liked traveling alone and I think the hardest part is the first week but after that week the loneliness fades and you learn to be more outgoing with others and love being on your own.
.-= ayngelina´s last blog ..Reunited and it feels so good =-.
Steph
02. Jun, 2010
Yeah it’s definitely one of those things that gets less scary the more you do it.
Rebecca
02. Jun, 2010
Love this entry, love travelling alone. After reading the comments, I am very glad that guys get that “aren’t you scared/brave” thing as well!
I think it’s human nature to want to share it with someone though. I found that writing everything down (I don’t travel with a computer) cures that right up!
Steph
02. Jun, 2010
Yeah I always thought it was a subtle dig at independent ladies, but apparently it’s equally shocking for men to travel solo as well!
Farnoosh
02. Jun, 2010
Good For You!!! Solitude is a gift and being alone and happy is empowering. Traveling alone does take guts and I am proud of you. I have done it as far as Costa Rica, California countless countless times, and all over the US but to go abroad, I just love to share the experience with someone else but that won’t mean that travel is off the table if I can’t find the right person. So go out there and explore the world and if anyone wants to be in your company, let them find and follow you….Until then, head up and proud to be in your own fab company!
Steph
02. Jun, 2010
thanks for the pep talk! It’s definitely at least partly an issue of refusing to wait around for the right travel partner to show up. Got places to be!
Christine
03. Jun, 2010
I think that being an only child gives you a head start in knowing how to be alone: you learn from an early age that you kind of HAVE to be your own best friend sometimes. I’ve never wanted–or needed–to wait for other people to join me on things: I do what I want, and if someone else wants to join, then great. I loved backpacking solo and I love being in France by myself, although everyone tends to be shocked when I just up and travel/move somewhere without knowing anyone. I worry more about traveling or making plans with friends because it can lead to some friction–no one agrees all the time! But when you’re by yourself, you call the shots. And I like always being the one in charge. So, to me, being alone is pretty darn awesome.
.-= Christine´s last blog ..What makes you a writer? =-.
Kelsey
03. Jun, 2010
I agree. I was an only child, and I’ve never seen the need for other people when it comes to my own happiness. Sure, I enjoy being around people, and I love my boyfriend, but do I need them to be happy? No. The same goes for travel, and in fact, I prefer to travel alone, as I’m not all that great at dealing with the annoyances that come with having a travel partner.
.-= Kelsey´s last blog ..Simon and River =-.
Steph
03. Jun, 2010
Definitely I think single children must have an advantage on this philosophy.
Kayling05
05. Jul, 2010
Yes, I totally agree. I’m going on a fairly short, 2 week solo trip to the UK soon (which is probably like the easiest place ever to visit alone for an American, considering there’s not really a language barrier) and people still seem to be mystified that I’m going alone. Some people think it’s cool (mostly older people) but many ask, “Aren’t you scared? What if something happens? Won’t you be lonely?” Well, no. I’m an only child and grew up playing by myself, making my own fun 95% of the time. I’ve lived alone in a studio apartment before, and actually prefer it to roommates. I’m going alone so I can do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and nobody can tell me different.
Steph
06. Jul, 2010
I think you will do fine in the UK- it’s a pretty safe and pleasant place, definitely a good first solo trip spot. Good for you for taking the initiative to do it!
Kelsey
03. Jun, 2010
Traveling is one of the times that I’m glad I was raised as an only child. I’ve been doing things on my own for as long as I can remember, so it never seemed odd to me. If anything, I have always had a difficult time understanding why people seem to always feel the need to have other people with them.
Raam Dev
05. Jun, 2010
Yes! Boys get that reaction too! A little over three months ago I left the States by myself for the first time in my life. I landed in India was zero experience traveling abroad. Most people thought I was crazy. I agreed that may be the case, but there was something inside me telling me to do this or die trying.
I very much enjoy being and traveling alone. I’ll admit, I’m very much an introvert (and you would be hard pressed to find anyone who knows me that would challenge that statement) but you hit the nail on the head with what you said about learning to enjoy your own company.
I never (OK, rarely) feel lonely. I always feel like I’m traveling with two people: me and my best friend: myself. Yes, it sounds narcissistic, but it’s simply a matter of learning to love and trust yourself. Learning to understand that you are capable of a lot more than you can imagine possible.
Fantastic post Steph!
.-= Raam Dev´s last blog ..Video: Follow Your Inner Compass =-.
Steph
05. Jun, 2010
Your travels sound very exciting! I think that if you really like and are comfortable with yourself then it’s easier not to feel lonely.
Jen
06. Jun, 2010
Hey, Steph. I actually suffer from the opposite porblem, though, I’m not sure the word “suffer” is an entirely accurate descriptor. I absolutely love being and doing things alone. I sometimes have trouble relating and being around other people. It’s not because I have to compromise and accomodate. I’m pretty good at doing that. It’s more because I find other people aren’t as willing to do the same. And also other people’s attitudes can make the most amazing of experiences seem like a root canal. It’s all about finding the right company I suppose.
Being alone is very empowering. Good for you!
Steph
06. Jun, 2010
There’s definitely a balance to be struck. I find traveling alone actually can force me to be more social in the sense I have to get over my crazy anxieties and actually talk to strangers.
Lori
07. Jun, 2010
Great post! This is one of the best things I learned by moving abroad. While I moved with my husband, I was alone a lot and did some traveling alone. Alone and lonely couldn’t be further from each other! I discovered so much about myself and it challenged me to be confident in my abilities to navigate in new places and cultures. Can’t wait to read more about your RTW trip!
Steph
08. Jun, 2010
Thanks Lori! I love that you were able to travel alone even while being abroad with your husband.
Suzy
13. Jun, 2010
I’m glad you submitted this Steph. I must have missed it earlier, but your perspective is incredibly timely for me. I just arrived to Italy, alone and feeling somewhat lonely. I guess for me it is that initial step towards braving some activity or attraction that gets me. Being a pretty independent person, I enjoy being alone. I like your take though that being alone while traveling doesn’t have to mean you are lonely. I’m going to put that mantra into place this week.
Steph
13. Jun, 2010
Aww Suzy! I think the first couple days are probably the hardest and then you adjust and can enjoy the fact that you are in ITALY!
Nick Laborde
16. Jun, 2010
I’m in the process of planning my first solo trip around the world myself. It’s been really helpful to read all the comments and know that I’m not the only one that will have to deal with these issues.
Steph
16. Jun, 2010
Hey Nick, there are definitely a lot of us in that boat and I think we all struggle with similar issues. That’s why the online community is so great!
kidpieces
19. Aug, 2010
great post! you speak up for me..
lance
11. Feb, 2011
lol that title, i just died inside cause im an awkward penguin?
Steph
13. Feb, 2011
it’s important to love the awkward penguin within!
lozintransit
09. Dec, 2011
- Its not so much learning to be alone but learning to be outside your comfort zone. A social butterfly might have trouble being alone and an independent person might be awkward in group settings.
- Loneliness is ephemeral. You can party/make 20 new friends 20 days straight. The next day when you’re alone, you’ll be just as bummed as the next person. The only constant is yourself. So make sure that person is awesome to be around
- It does help when you have comforting base of family and friends at home.
- Boys do get considered “brave” also, everyone gets patronised
Its funny, I’ve found that once the idea is conceived its practically already done. Just by saying “I’m doing it”, you’re comfort zone has already been breached and you’ve mentally prepared yourself, come what may.
Good luck with your solo RTW trip.
sugarcoated
05. Jan, 2012
This is a great post! i was positively dying of loneliness since its winter break and nobody’s on campus ( and i should add that this is my first time in the US and i’m an international student form india) reading your post and meandering around your website has filled me with new energy! i just got out of a long term relationship with an obsessive boyfriend and have been dealing with feeling extremely lonely every few weeks since i got here. I’m trying to work on my self so that i don’t feel the need to be with someone just to fill an empty space or just to have someone to do stuff with
thanks again!
Steph
09. Jan, 2012
Wow, I’m so glad I could cheer you up! I’m sure that even though you feel down now, you are definitely doing the right thing.
Adrian
06. Jan, 2012
Hello two years later since you’ve posted this and here I am reading it. I’m 18 days away from going to NYC solo for seven days and though it may not be abroad I’m using this as a tool to further propel my confidence into going backpacking, this upcoming summer!
I just did a mini road trip from Los Angeles to San Diego for new years all by myself and it was really fun! I had to give part of myself up ( that introvert part) and was forced to socialize, I was quite the chatter box. I’m so proud of myself for doing it solo even if it was only 2 days and relatively close to my home. Baby steps!
Every trip Ive ever been on with company Ive had moments where I was on my own and those turned out to be the most incredibly memorable!
So thanks for your insight it’s very reassuring !
Steph
09. Jan, 2012
That’s awesome! It’s always good to practice solo traveling and the skills will come in handy later!
Adrian
06. Jan, 2012
Hello two years later since you’ve posted this and here I am reading it. I’m 18 days away from going to NYC solo for seven days and though it may not be abroad I’m using this as a tool to further propel my confidence into going backpacking, this upcoming summer!
I just did a mini road trip from Los Angeles to San Diego for new years all by myself and it was really fun! I had to give part of myself up ( that introvert part) and was forced to socialize, I was quite the chatter box. I’m so proud of myself for doing it solo even if it was only 2 days and relatively close to my home. Baby steps!
Every trip Ive ever been on with company Ive had moments where I was on my own and those turned out to be the most incredibly memorable!
So thanks for your insight it’s very reassuring ! M
Hayley Swinson
30. Jan, 2012
Great blog post. There is definitely an art to being alone, and so many people don’t understand how to be comfortable by themselves. It is an ongoing process for sure!